Zombieland is easily one of the greatest horror-comedies of all time. It takes the post-9/11 zombie obsession and skewers the hell out of it, all while giving zombie lovers the gore and guts they’ve come to love. In the process, it breathes new life into tired stereotypes and adds a few new ones — say, the importance of Twinkies and theme parks at the end of the world — then wraps all these wonderfully satiric elements in a gruesome package with Woody Harrelson, Emma Stone and Bill Murray. BILL EFFING MURRAY. What’s not to love? Zombieland also introduced the meta-idea of “rules” for a zombie apocalypse, and now, it’s time to add your own.

The Columbus Rules

1. Cardio.
2. Double tap.
3. Beware of bathrooms.
4. Seatbelts.
17. Don’t be a hero.
18. Limber up.
22. When in doubt, know your way out.
31. Check the back seat.
32. Enjoy the little things.

Here’s how it works: First, watch the movie. It’s fantastic. When you finish, comment below with your Zombieland name (as in your birthplace) and five rules for survival. They can’t be the same ones from the film, but aside from that, anything goes.

The Arvada Rules (aka Phil)

1. Head to the hills. The fewer the people, the fewer the zombies.
2. Pack a good book. Chances are you won’t be sleeping much anyway.
3. 5 chewing gum. No one wants nasty breath.
4. Don’t get sentimental. Your mom or girlfriend or whoever doesn’t care about anything but brains anymore.
5. Get laid. Just because most people are zombies doesn’t mean the rest of us ain’t human.

The Denver Rules (aka Stephanie)

1. Hydrate. Duh.
2. Wear layers with duct tape. That way, the zombies have to bite through a lot of clothing. And duct tape.
3. Situational awareness. Archer said it best, and he’s still alive.
4. The group stays together. Just watch The Walking Dead — they’re always splitting up and getting eaten.
5. Remember the salt and pepper. You still gotta eat well, even in the apocalypse.

The Whitefish rules (aka Jessica)

1. Always inspect for bites. ALWAYS.
2. If you’re bit, you’re dead. Say goodbye.
3. Always have two types of weapons: long range and short range, one of which does not require finite ammo (axe, shovel, etc.)
4. No wasting resources, especially water!
5. Strength in numbers, to a point.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s