The Cabin in the Woods is the artistic version of a Macabre Bros drinking game. Bear with me: We drink for all the dumb blondes, cocky jocks, gratuitous boobs, gratuitous sex, gratuitous deaths, and just about everything else that’s gratuitous or predictable about a horror film. For The Cabin in the Woods, Joss Whedon took the same elements and wrote them into a Whedon-esque screenplay (I’ve always wanted to use that term) that’s funny, nerdy and pretty damn satisfying, particularly in the final 20 minutes. The difference? His take on things managed to gross something like $42M, while our drinking games will cost you the price of a 12 pack and a few hours of hangover. But man, it’s absolutely worth it. Here’s to you, Dana and Marty, for bringing down an oppressive system by bucking the status quo. How….Whedon-esque, *bows*
The only thing better than watching horror films? Watching horror films and drinking beers. Drinking lots of beers. The Macabre Bros. give the Internet what it so desperately wants with The Drinking Games, an ongoing series of liver-testing games tailor-made for horror films. Be warned: The rules occasionally give away twists, plot points and other spoilers, so we recommend seeing the films first. Now, let’s get rowdy.
Type = Each of the five main characters is a sacrificial type (virgin, jock, intellectual, fool, whore). Look to your right. When the character who is most like that person dies — and admit it, she’s totally a virgin — give them one drink. DRAMA!!
Truth or dare = Play truth or dare as a group when they play truth or dare in the cabin. Just one round. If you pass, take two drinks, ya fuggin partypooper.
H = Take a hit.
D = 1 drink of beer.
S = 1 shot of the hard stuff. This time, we unfortunately had to do (ugh) Black Velvet.
Our rules call for 1 drink at every:
– sex scene
– boob sighting
– jump scare
Smoke when Marty (Franz Kranz) smokes — H
Every Franz Kranz zinger — D
Every time we check in with the suits back in the control room — D
When you personally spot a Joss Whedon regular (like good ol’ Franz Kranz) — D per actor
When our happy-go-lucky group of sacrificial lambs Ramblers off…WITH SOMEONE WATCHING — D
When Holden discovers the mirror — D (boys only)
When Dana moves to the mirror room…and watches just a liiiiiiiittle longer — D (girls only)
“Oh my god you guys, let’s go SKINNY DIPPING” — D
When the betting begins — D
Truth or dare
Every time Marty realizes we are not who we are, but…pictures — D
When the bald suit explains the sacrifice to the understandably disgusted new guy — D
“Aaaaaand we have a winner. It’s the Buckner’s, ladies and gentlemen” — D
When Dana goes all badass-survivor-virgin on the cannibal — D
“I’m coming back here, I’m coming back hee with cops and choppers and large fucking guns” — D
BUT OH WAIT SHIT A WALL — S
The suits drink beers, the virgin gets cannibal beat — D and cheers
When the telescoping coffee mug/bong saves the virgin’s life — D
When Marty and Dana are first introduced to the monster boxes — D
Action movie mode, engage! — D
If you want, throw up a cheers to your favorite monster death. Friends, cheers back if you agree — D
Hello Sigourney Weaver, aka the Morgan Freeman of this film — D